Yes, evil. Almost as bad as the devil herself.

Atkins and bodybuilders advocate the no or low carb approach to losing weight. Keeping carbs low means your body has to find fuel alternatives, which could be fat if you eat enough fat and protein.

If you want to get fit, ditch those carbs!

Here are 5 reasons why carbs are EVIL!!!!!!!!!!

1. They provide energy.
2. They fuel your brain.
3. They taste good.
4. They are healthy.
5. They boost your metabolism.

See? It’s worse than you thought!

Be energised

Run! Skip! Hop! Jump! Evil carbs give you energy. When you start to miss being lazy, those pesky carbs give you a mental and physical boost! You feel like you can do anything. This is terrible. Exercise already gives you a boost, so why do you need another one?

Stick with exercise OR carbs. Usually people include both, but, as usual, they’re wrong and I’m right. Too much energy could be dangerous…Maybe.

Unfortunately, energetic people burn more calories. They walk, rollerblade, or cycle to work when normal people get deep vein thrombosis because they’ve been stuck in traffic for hours. Energetic people keep their homes clean and tidy while dozy people live amongst dirt and clutter until a search party rescues them. Energetic people do 20mins of intense exercise followed by 40mins more while lazy bums people pass out after that 5sec trek from the couch to the TV.

Don’t you miss not having energy?

Be able to think

Carbs fuel the brain, so logic says you should eat carbs to think right. Wrong! The world doesn’t care about thinking straight or being a genius. Smarty-pants like scientists, doctors, and lawyers do well for society, but airhead supermodels, athletes, and reality TV stars make millions for themselves!

Carbs = High IQ, Medium salary, Low self-esteem

No carbs = High salary, High self-esteem, No IQ

Cutting out carbs doesn’t affect me, personally. Cutting out carbs doesn’t affect me, personally.

Did I just stutter?

Healthy food that tastes great

Ridiculous. You’re trying to regain all the weight you lost when suddenly healthy food starts to taste nice. How selfish can Mother Nature be? The old cow grows horrible treats like grapes, apples, broccoli, etc. Soon you’ll be so busy eating those juicy sickening foods that you’ll miss out on sloppy pizza, salty fries, and ‘Eugh, what is that?’ burgers!

Contrary to what health professionals say, you shouldn’t lose weight eating tasty food. Vomit-inducing meals are better because they force you to meet your goal quickly, so you can binge on junk food again. If meals are tasty then you want more, which isn’t good when you’re trying to get skinny.

Tasty food = BINGE!

Barf food = BONES!

A faster metabolism

Worst of all, apparently carbs boost your metabolism. I feel sick just thinking about it…

Your metabolism drops as you lose weight because you’re smaller. This means you’ve got to eat less and/or exercise more to keep losing otherwise you’ll lose less each week until you enter THE ULTIMATE WEIGHT LOSS STALL OF DOOM, also known as a ‘weight loss plateau’.

Too bad. This is part of weight loss, so get over it! Stop cheating by gaining muscle, exercising, and eating Devil’s carbs. It’s not fair!

As you can see, carbs are EVIL!!!!!!! Some might say these bad reasons are actually positives, but they aren’t. They show why everyone should remove carbs from everything they eat. This only leaves things like water, but at least you’re losing fat, right? Who wants to be energetic, smart, eat delicious, healthy meals, and boost their metabolism? Not me. I’m too busy regaining the 80lbs I lost.