Counting calories sucks! All that measuring, weighing, counting, and tracking leads to severe feelings of deprivation. You can’t eat this and you can’t eat that because you’re obsessing over macronutrients all the time. First you start with only counting calories. Soon you move on to tracking carbs, protein, and fat. Then you freak out if your Vitamin A/B/C/D/Q (?) is too low. You know you’ll just DIE if you don’t get enough Iron and Calcium and…

Thank goodness there’s another way….a better way…a new way…INTUITIVE EATING, the close friend of PORTION CONTROL. Finally fat people have discovered the closely guarded secret of the naturally skinny. Will it work for us? There’s only one way to find out…

Here are 5 Easy Steps to Intuitive Eating. Enjoy!

Step One – Binge

You’ve probably heard that Intuitive Eating involves only eating when you’re hungry. So-called experts say you should wait for ‘true’ hunger before eating. True hunger is your stomach grumbling, you feeling faint, you getting grouchy, etc. False hunger is your brain saying it’s time to eat or craving some food you’ve just smelt. Apparently this is what naturally skinny people do. Well, screw them all! Do I sound jealous? I totally am, damn it am not. Not at all.

Instead of copying what slim Intuitive Eaters do, follow fat ones. First of all, overweight people who follow Intuitive Eating binge. Decide what type of binge eater you’ll are, and overeat. Clear out the fridge. Go to buffets and devour everything on the table…You might eat the table too, but that’s a tad weird if you’re still sober. Eat whatever you like! Be free of nutrition labels! Eat to your heart’s content!

2. HUGE Portions Only

Intuitive Eaters avoid counting calories by only eating reasonable portions. They might take a fist-sized portion of whatever they want to eat and not eat seconds unless they’re still hungry. This is supposed to stop them from overeating. They consume enough for their size and weight, and nothing more. I’ve got a better idea…

Why have a fist-sized portion when you can enjoy a thigh-sized portion instead? Yes, you read that correctly. Take thigh-sized portions of everything you eat. As you lose weight your thigh will get smaller, and so will your portions. Smaller portions means less calories, which is handy because your metabolism decreases as you get smaller. Don’t worry about getting bigger plates. Just stack your food sky high or go back for seconds, thirds, tenths, hundredths, etc.

3. Unhealthy Food

Intuitive Eaters mostly eat healthy food. They say Intuitive Eating healthy, natural, unrefined food leaves us more satisfied and fuller than high calorie junk you wouldn’t feed a street rat. Apparently, this wholesome food also curbs cravings for unhealthy, refined junk because healthy stuff provides everything we need. Yeah, sure…

Would you rather have a burger or a salad? I agree. Yes, you could have a colourful, nutritional, filling, tasty salad with a meaty side dish…but I know you’d rather have a greasy, oily, vomit-inducing burger full of ingredients you can’t pronounce and didn’t know existed. If you see a salad, run for the hills, and beyond if the salad gives chase!

4. Live To Eat – Eat Until You Die

Usually Intuitive Eating involves breaking the connection between you and food. If you’re an emotional eater you probably eat to ease stress, numb your feelings, etc. Only eating to fuel your body means you’ve got to confront your problems and deal with them. In theory, you’ll become a fitter and stronger person, physically and mentally, because you’ve solved your problems AND broken your food addiction. Phew! The logical nonsense is over…

People say you should ‘Eat to live’, but I always say you should ‘Live to eat’. Plan your entire being around your next meal. Fantasise all day about dinner. Dream at night about breakfast. Let lunch be the highlight of your day, week, and even your year. Food will come first before anything else, including family, friends, and health. Live to eat until you die.

5. Stuff Your Stomach

Intuitive Eating is ‘intuitive’, so you should stop eating before you feel uncomfortably full. Some people even stop before they’re full. Over time, your stomach shrinks to compensate for having less food. A smaller stomach gets full quicker, so you’ll naturally eat less in time. Bad idea!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s much better to stuff your stomach. If you’ve got a flat stomach with sexy abs, you’re doing this fitness jazz all wrong. Eat until you look pregnant (second trimester). The extra food will stretch out your stomach so it fits more food inside, which means it’ll take longer to get full. This means you’ll eat more and more over time until you’ve regained all the weight and then some. There’s no shame in this. Just join one of the ‘Fat and Happy’ crews lurking somewhere.

Of course this intuitive lifestyle also applies to drinking water and being active. Who craves water like people crave alcohol and fruit juice? No one! Who jumps out of bed each morning to run 2 miles before work because they like it? No one! If you want water, drink it, but I bet you won’t. If you want to exercise, do it, but I bet you won’t. Just chill out and go back to the old habits that made you fat in the first place.

Intuitive Eating is definitely for everyone, no matter whether you’re losing fat, gaining weight or maintaining a healthy size. Trust your body and believe it will show you the right path to that size 30 bikini. No big deal.