Why lose weight in months when you can lose it in seconds? Try it right now. Go use the toilet and come back. See? You’re already a pound closer to your goal weight, and don’t you feel lighter already!

I’m a nice person – really, I am – so I’ve compiled four reasons why you should lose weight quickly to meet impossible deadlines. If you ignore this advice, you’ll still meet your goal weight, but it’ll be slower and you won’t meet your deadline. You won’t even come close. Your deadline will laugh in your face as it passes you by. Honestly, if you take more than one month to meet your goal deadline then there’s no point in even trying. Sorry, but it’s true. Meet your goal weight in the next 21 days or stay fat. There’s no middle ground.

Here are four reasons why you should ALWAYS have an ‘impossible’ goal deadline.

Meet Goal Weight Fast

Meeting an impossible goal deadline means you’ve got to lose weight quickly! Losing weight quickly means you’ll need to burn more than the recommended 2lbs per week – try 10lbs or more instead. For example, a 170lb woman could try the 2lb per week losses and meet her goal sometime this decade, but losing 15lbs a week means she’ll meet her goal in less than a month! Yes, she might have saggy skin because she lost so fast, but that’s what string bikinis are for: showing off the fab-flab!

If you’re not obese or morbidly obese and lose more than 2lbs a week, you might burn not just fat but also muscle and water, which is a great bonus when you think about it. A three for one deal! This is why experts suggest that you lose up to 2lbs a week for health reasons, but what about other factors like your goal deadline? Losing 1lb a week is nice, but it won’t be nice if you turn up to the school reunion or beach holiday still fat.

Lower Your Metabolism

So losing weight fast means you risk losing muscle too, but that’s a GREAT THING. Why be toned, defined, and hot when you could be skinny fat instead? Besides, more muscle means a higher metabolism, which means you’ll be burning more calories 24hrs a day. We don’t want that. Lose the muscle and lower your metabolism! Then you’ll burn less calories while living and exercising, which means weight loss AND weight maintenance will be harder. Great, isn’t?

High Risk

Life is like a box of toffees. It’s thrilling! The thing that makes life fun is the unknown. Losing weight quickly to meet impossible goal deadlines requires you to push yourself like never before! Eating a bit less, cutting out the junk, being more active during the day, and exercising are CUTE, but cute isn’t gonna cut it! To meet an impossible deadline, you need to live an impossible fitness regime regiment.

Here are some general tips for pushing yourself to the max:

• Exercise until you vomit
• Exercise until you pass out
• Exercise until you ALMOST die (For legal reasons, I have emphasised ‘almost’)
• Eat two tic tacs a day
• Eat one tic tac a day
• Stare at food, but don’t eat it.

Work your way to the max and keep it up until you meet your goal deadline. If you die on the way to having Beyonce’s body, I accept no responsibility and your loved ones cannot sue me. Please sign here to accept this: ____________.

Disappoint Yourself

I also recommend losing weight quickly to meet tough goals because you’ll end up disappointed. Every time you set an impossible goal and fail, you’ll feel miserable, depressed, and be tempted to give up your weight loss and regain. Even better, setbacks – plateaus and life’s curve balls like redundancies and deaths – usually make you miss mini-goals, so meeting the final goal deadline is even more impossible! This means you’ll have to push even harder: exercise for hours every day, starve, lower that metabolism more, and you still won’t meet your goal deadline. The harder you try the further away your deadline gets until you give up, or die trying.

I have finished.