There are people out there who love themselves. They like the way they look, dress, live, etc. They have the good life and they know it.

Sucks, doesn’t it?

You want to be them, but it’s not working out. Good. You don’t want to be one of those blissfully happy people. It’s much better to be miserable, depressed, sad, etc. Life isn’t supposed to be good. That’s why it’s short; so you don’t suffer for long.

So you’ve got to maintain the misery…but how?

“Nobody’s perfect. Not even you.” – Zada Green (Me!!!!!!!)

I have the perfect life. I never feel sad, never get hurt (physically or mentally), never lose, never cry, never say never. I don’t know what bad days are and don’t care yet I still hate myself, but why?

Because perfection hurts.

Everything must be planned way in advance. I can’t ever make a mistake. If I do, I fix it before anyone realises. No one can know I’m not perfect. An error is my dirty little secret. Or someone else’s fault.

So what’s this got to do with self-esteem?

It’s hard to be perfect. It means you can’t make any mistakes EVER. If you do, you’ve got to beat the crap out of yourself. I mean literally beat the crap outta yourself (with words). A polite “At least I tried” doesn’t cut it. “It’s the taking part that counts” is for kids. “The calm before the storm” doesn’t apply unless you’re on a boat. People with good self-esteem are nice to themselves, so do the opposite. If you can’t love yourself, no one else can.

Be unlovable.

So what’s the best way to kill your self-esteem?

Be negative.

Criticise yourself every day, even doing the smallest things. Brush again, you missed a tooth. Refill the glass, you spilt a drop. Exercise for hours, you overate by two calories. Punish all your imperfections. Magnify them so the whole world knows. When people encourage you, remove them from your circle. No positive talk allowed.

So how do you know what’s a flaw?

EVERYTHING is flawed, but if you’re a bit slow then you’ll need some inspiration.

The best way to uncover your flaws is by looking at celebrities. See them on photo shoots, in movies, in music videos, etc. DO NOT look at them in their day-to-day lives. You’ll see imperfections, realise they’re ‘normal, imperfect, average Joes, human’ like you, and feel good about yourself.

Always compare yourself to fake images. Idolise people who have been airbrushed, had surgery, wear tons of make-up, take photos in the best clothes under the best lighting at the best angles with the best photographer at the best location. Sure, you can’t look like them without a team of professionals, but that’s the point. You never will, and knowing this will destroy you inside.

Trust me. Chasing an impossible dream is the fastest way to low self-esteem.

Good luck! You have the power to be miserable! Just believe!

Disclaimer: This post was sarcasm. If you’re following this advice, stop.

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net