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Tag: How NOT To

How NOT To Be An Author: Pam Promo

How NOT To Be An Author: Pam Promo

After years writing her western-horror-romance epic fantasy, Mrs Pamela Promo is ready to unleash her novel on the world. She’s got an eye-catching cover, top class editing and proof-reading, a killer blurb, and identified her target audience.

So what’s the problem? Promotion.

woman shouting
My book’s out!!!!!

Pam starts her promotion campaign by offering 10 free copies to competition winners. Then she sends out free copies to every book reviewer in the world. Every minute she tweets that her book is available. Every hour her Facebook status plugs her book, and as a reminder, she pokes her family, friends, friends of friends, and complete strangers she added for the sake of it. Her neighbours get postcards, letterheads, business cards, stickers, and glossy signed photos of Pam looking glam. She attends major events in town to read her book, and visits every bookstore in the city to make sure her book is on the shelves. She tried to get a book signing sorted, but ran out of time because…

…That was just day one.

Day two, she does it all again. Rinse and repeat for the next few weeks until book two arrives….

Wow…No wonder she’s called Pam Promo!

Marketing is important for traditionally, self, and e published authors. However, we must maintain the balance between selling ourselves, our book, and WRITING. There’s no point in marketing like mad if there’s only one book to buy. A catalogue of quality work sells by itself hence why some bestsellers don’t even have a website. *Gasp!*

Top authors write under pseudonyms so they can release lots of work sooner rather than later. Top authors aren’t tweeting, facebooking, blogging, myspacing, linkedin…ing, etc several times a day because they’re busy writing! We’re writers, so write!

As an author, I hereby swear to NEVER harass my readers. I won’t re re re re retweet my book release date. I won’t friend you on Facebook just to stalk you when it’s time to buy. I won’t contact you via Myspace because no one goes there anymore. Instead, I will use my skills to notify you of a release date, and then get back to writing so you can get back to reading.

Enjoy!

PS. To all the agents, publishers, and readers reading this, don’t get jealous. Your tips are in the book due 2012-2013.

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How NOT To Deal With Anxiety

How NOT To Deal With Anxiety

The world has been waiting for this information. After years of not researching, I’ve come to no conclusion whatsoever. But I had to write something so, here it is! The one you haven’t been waiting for…How NOT To Deal With Anxiety!

Drugs

Drugs and alcohol are great ways to manage anxiety. You’ll be so drunk and so high that you won’t feel any fears! Just make you’re a functioning alcoholic or you won’t be able to hide your dependency on alcohol. If it gets really bad, you might lose your job, your family and, worse case scenario, your life, but it’s worth it. Dead people fear nothing because the worst has already happened.

sad white man
Image courtesy of Master isolated images / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Hide

Morons suggest facing your fears. They say fear is just you overreacting to something that might be minor. Rubbish! Don’t beat fear by facing it, run and hide somewhere, anywhere, as long as you don’t face the problem. Hiding away is easy. Go into your room and stay there. See? Simple. Stay in there until you have to leave, you know, to eat, drink, use the potty, cut the grass, etc. Then back to your special hiding place. Keep doing this for the rest of your existence, I mean, your “life”.

Be alone

So-called experts recommend that you visit so-called experts. Nonsense. Don’t tell others that you’re struggling, keep it all inside. Then you can suffer in silence until you explode. By “explode” I mean lose it. No one will know why you’ve lost the plot, but that doesn’t matter. They’ll just think you’re _____ or a ______ and keep their distance. You’ll be even more alone after that. It’s a cycle that ends with you dying alone, but at least no one forced/ helped you deal with anxiety.

Distract yourself

Music, meditation, exercise, etc give a short-term fix. That’s much better than doing something that’ll beat anxiety forever. Keep distracting yourself until it attacks again…and again. After avoiding the problem for so long, you won’t  know how to deal with it but that’s too bad. Have another panic attack and return to more pointless distractions.

Prescription drugs

There’s a pill for almost everything, even if they don’t work. Instead of learning how to deal with anxiety, take a pill. Every day. For the rest of your life. How easy is that? Sure, if you don’t have free healthcare then it won’t come cheap. And you’ll have to experiment to find the right brand, dosage, etc. And there’s no guarantee it’ll work for you. And there might be crappy side effects like that numb feeling of feeling nothing. Yay! No more anxiety or sadness…or happiness, euphoria, pleasure, etc. Still, it’s worth it. I’d rather feel nothing than ever have good days again.

Suicide

When you can’t get any higher, drunker, and there’s nowhere left to hide…suicide. Here are 3 great reasons why you should kill yourself today.

Honestly, these are the best ways to make your life much worse. Anxiety and fear feed off drugs, distractions, and being hidden away. If you want to overcome anxiety for good, go elsewhere. Otherwise, use these tips to make your anxiety much worse.

Important Note: This post was sarcasm. If you’re using these tips, stop and try this instead.