After I finished The Worst Personal Trainers are the Best! I looked across the room and saw my mum’s old elliptical. It’s just as dusty and unused as you’d expect a fitness machine to be.

“And…?” you ask.

“Okay, okay, I’ll get to the point,” I say, rolling my eyes as I ban your IP address from my blog.

My mum doesn’t use the machine. I don’t use the machine. My dog might use it when she’s home alone, but you can’t prove such things…Anyway, despite not using the machine I’ve still lost close to 80lbs! In conclusion, not using a fitness machine burned 80lbs of fat off my body! This got me thinking, what else should a fitness machine not do?

Read on.

Here are five criteria your fitness machine MUST meet. If it doesn’t, send it to me. Don’t worry. You can pay the postage and handling fees, really, I don’t mind.

Lose 10 lbs in 10 minutes!

You could lose 10 lbs in 5-10 weeks if you were a tortoise, or you could shift that fat in 10 minutes like a hare! The worst fitness machines make unrealistic promises they’ll never fulfil. Of course the actual machine doesn’t speak, but on the adverts the host lies so well that you’re almost fooled. By ‘almost’ I mean at least enough to buy the product and try it for weeks until you realise you were foolish to invest in something that wasn’t ever going to do what it said on the tin because when it’s too good to be true it’s too good to be true which means it’s too good to be true.  Phew! Buy the machine anyway. Why? Because you’ll quickly get frustrated by the lack of results and gain the weight back, which is the best thing for everyone.

Effort? That’s for losers!

Ouch! I just hurt my own feelings…but I’m right. Why make an effort when you can have an easy ride? The best fitness machines do the work for you. The elliptical is a great example! The momentum means you do less work, which means you burn less calories, which means you have to work out for longer! Why do more work when you can do more work? If the machine makes you break a sweat, get off before you mess up your hair!

Made in China

Note: I’m not being racist. I have Chinese ancestry. Yes, there are black people in China.

The diet industry pushes tough, durable machines that will last until the end of time. Is this a good thing? Of course not! A better machine means a higher price. Why pay more when you don’t have to? Always get the cheap machines, preferably the ones made of plastic. It’s fun when you buy a machine, it breaks, and you have to replace it…again and again…and again. If a cheap machine causes injury, it’s your own fault for putting in so much effort!

One body part

Speaking of expensive machines, the ones that work the entire body are REALLY expensive. Always get a machine that works ONE body part. Two if you’re stubborn. Three if you’re not paying attention. If you want a full body workout, ask yourself why? We always have one part we don’t like (mine is my pinky fingers), so focus on that and the rest will take care of themselves, hopefully. To work the other body parts just buy more machines, but remember each one must work ONE part of your body e.g. a knee. “It’ll be too expensive to have ten fitness machines!” you whinge like a cry baby. “Not if they’re made in China,” I say, pointing at the previous paragraph you obviously skipped over!!!

That’s it. Those are the five criteria every bad good fitness machine should meet. If yours doesn’t, get a refund or recycle it. Don’t give it to charity. Just don’t.

 

PS. If you’re wondering why I only gave four criteria, stop being such a smart a–. It’s just not that serious. If it bothers you so much, write your own fifth criteria here:

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________