Jillian Michaels on the Biggest Loser. Coach Nicole on Sparkpeople. Mr. Motivator on British television. They have made a major impact on fitness one way or another, but what else do they have in common?

They are some of the worst personal trainers out there. Why? Because they’re good.

Has Zada gone crazy? Not yet. No. Hear me out before you judge.

The diet industry thrives on people who repeatedly lose and gain weight forever. Successful maintainers don’t make enough money for companies selling diet products. Diet pills and fad diets are meant to keep you unfit. This shows that the diet industry can’t be trusted.

Who works within the diet industry? Personal trainers!

This means they can’t be trusted either. The more successful they get, the deeper into the industry they go. This means you must avoid the ‘best’ personal trainers at all costs! Go for the ‘worst’ ones instead.

Here are five traits to look out for. If your personal trainer doesn’t satisfy these points, RUN, or just hire someone else!

1. She doesn’t listen.

The best personal trainers ignore everything you say. Even better, she gives the illusion that she’s listening, but has already decided what program she’ll put you on. You say you hate the treadmill, she’ll advise you to run on it for an hour a day. You can’t swim? She tells you to swim twenty laps three times a week. You feel hungry on 1600 calories a day, she tells you to eat 1200 calories. It’s great when your fitness program is clearly tailored to someone else. Sorry, but your needs aren’t important.

2. She’s not qualified.

Neither am I, and you can see how great my advice is…She was going to get qualified, but she spent the money on a holiday to Jamaica instead. She registered with a YMCA Personal Trainer Course, but didn’t show up because she would’ve missed her hair appointment. Anyway, she doesn’t need to be qualified! Yes, your health is at stake, but it’s your health, not hers, so why should she care? If you think a fitness qualification is so important, why haven’t you got one?

3. She acts like Hitler’s long lost, twice removed, distant step-sister.

Picture this. You’ve just finished a forty-five minute run on the treadmill. Worn out after working so hard, it’s time to cool down, stretch, and go home to rest.

When you leave the gym area, your personal trainer is blocking the door to the changing room. You try to slip past, but she won’t move. She points at the treadmill and asks, “Why did you stop?”

“I’m tired,” you say, mopping your sweaty brow.

“Get back on and give me another two hours!”  she shouts.  “Then give me one hundred push ups, two hundred crunches, and three hundred lunges. That’ll teach you for being so darn lazy!”

Feeling embarrassed, and a bit scared, you follow orders. Two hours later you almost collapse halfway through the push ups set, and pass out on your third lunge. Fantastic! You’ve shown how dedicated you are. You’ll have unbearable cramp and spasms for the next three months, but a flat stomach is worth it! Exercising for hours everyday works on the Biggest Loser, right? Soon you’ll be a winner too!

The point is, she’s going to make you HATE exercise. You won’t just dread it on those cold winter mornings when you’d rather snuggle up in bed, or the times when everyone else is lazing about stuffing their faces. Now you’ll cringe when you hear, “Exercise.” You’ll cry when you hear, “Workout.” You’ll leave town when you hear, “Dumbbell”. Don’t listen to anyone who says exercise should be manageable. They lie!

4. She’s hot, but unhealthy.

She’s got an AMAZING body, but eats two tic tacs a day and exercises from 9-5. Who cares about health, right? It’s better to be skinny in a string bikini and drop dead at 25yrs old than a slim person and die old and wrinkly surrounded by loved ones. When she does anything unhealthy, copy her. If she doesn’t stretch after working out, don’t stretch. If she doesn’t drink water after an exercise class, don’t go anywhere near that water fountain. If she falls ill because her bad habits are doing her harm, hire another personal trainer ASAP. You’ve got a goal weight to reach, there’s no time to waste!

5. She’s boring.

After a terrible induction she charged you for, your personal trainer hands you the schedule you must follow to get Beyonce’s body before the summer. For the first month, you’ll do one hour of aerobics every day. The second month, one hour of aerobics every day. The third month, one hour of aerobics every day. The fourth month…

*Snores*

Bored? Good! You don’t want a personal trainer who keeps you interested! The gym isn’t a cinema, shopping mall, or party. If you want entertainment, stay home and watch TV. All your trainer cares about is burning calories.

In the simplest terms:

Home = Fun, Joy, Happiness, Love, Smiles, Laughter

Gym = Boredom, Boredom, Sweat, Boredom, Boring

If your personal trainer doesn’t meet every point, exterminate (that’s not a typo!) the contract ASAP. She’s not working for you, she’s working for the diet industry, the government, the man, and the Illuminati (Don’t read the last part or they’ll get me!).

Beware of ‘good’ personal trainers! They spend thousands of dollars on getting qualified, act nice and understanding when you want to talk, promote a healthy lifestyle over looking hot and sexy, and make fitness fun instead of utterly boring because they want you to stay FAT (or THIN) forever. If you met your goal then you wouldn’t need them anymore, so it doesn’t make good business sense to help you out. There has to be an ulterior motive…

What now?

1. If your personal trainer is ‘good’, FIRE HER.

2. Hire her replacement, a ‘bad’ personal trainer with a long list of unhappy ex-clients worldwide, ASAP.